Finding Truth

Photos courtesy of Patti Height

Patti Height, founder of Out of Egypt Ministries, was delivered out of a life of abuse, gender confusion, and addiction. In the last of this three-part series, Patti describes how God led her and her partner to CC Old Bridge, NJ, and into ministry.  

We found Calvary Chapel Old Bridge in New Jersey with Pastor Lloyd Pulley. When we walked in, it was just like “WOW.” I had never heard worship music before. I’d heard Christmas and Easter music, but when I heard worship music and saw the words talking about the holiness of God—Wow! But then the words started talking about how much He loved me. Me? It ripped my heart wide open. I’m arguing with Him: “God, no! You can’t love me! I’ve done too many bad things. Too many bad things have happened to me. And I identify as gay, and your people tell me that You hate me, God. There’s no way You could love me like these songs are saying.” I still cry at worship songs.

But God was washing me in truth and washing me with His love. And you know what? I believed Him!

So on January 19, 2003, I came to the front and prayed and asked God the Father to forgive me of my sins, for Jesus to be my Lord and my Savior, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. And in that moment, I went from darkness to light, from deception to truth. The truth was that God loved me and that truth set me free just like John 8:32 says.

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

God’s love caused an immediate change in my life. Immediately, I was relieved and delivered from my 24-year addiction to drugs and alcohol; and at that moment I went from a gay identity to a Christ identity—and I have never looked back. And neither did my then-girlfriend because she got up and did the same thing; she received Christ. She’s actually a missionary now. We both are about to celebrate our 21st birthdays in the Lord. Phew! I’m not a [spiritual] “teenager” anymore. Praise the Lord!

I had no idea what Christianity was about, but I knew I couldn’t get enough of God. I devoured the Bible. I needed the truth, and I knew the Bible held the truth, and truth was that I was a sinner who needed to repent. Yes, bad things, abuse had happened to me, but abuse is not an excuse. Whether the sin I was committing felt good or normal to me, or felt like my truth, it wasn’t the Truth.

I need the truth of my identity in God instead of my self-identity; my freedom came from truth and truth alone. Deception and lies lead to death. John 8:32 says the truth sets us free, and then [in verse 44] Jesus turns to the Pharisees who were thinking, Naw, we’re good. In John 8:44 (NIV), Jesus speaks to the Pharisees: “You belong to your father the devil, and you want to carry about in your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth.” It doesn’t say he doesn’t know the truth. He knows the truth, he’s just not holding to the truth, “for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is the father and the father of lies.” If you are using someone's preferred pronouns as a relationship bridge in hopes of pointing them to the cross, you're using the language of the father of lies who has no truth in him. When he speaks, he uses "his own native language," which is a language of lies, and is deceiving the one with whom you're speaking to or of." Our society is getting caught up in that language instead of the language that sets us free.

As I was walking and growing in truth, I knew that I could ask God any question. So, I did. I started to ask Him every [place] that I had believed a lie. “I know I wasn’t born gay, so where did that come from? Please show me where I’ve been deceived and show me where I’m wrong and You’re right.” And God was faithful and patient and loving. He walked with me and answered all of my questions. I wasn’t born gay. I wasn’t born in the wrong body. I had been deceived. As He took me back (sometimes we have to look back to move forward), that’s when God began to show me about my childhood trauma and the effect deception had on my life. I would have never known about detaching from my mom if the Lord hadn’t shown me. And I didn’t realize the toll that the childhood sexual abuse took on me because I had started to bury it when I began drinking and doing drugs at 12-years-old.

[It was] buried deep. So, while salvation is instantaneous upon repentance and belief, we know that sanctification is a process. It took years for the Lord to heal the hurting places that led me to create my own identity. He’s still bringing healing. But He’s able to complete the work that He starts in us, as we learn in Philippians 1:6: “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” He’s so good.

While I instantaneously became a new creation in Christ Jesus, my brain and my body stored memories—especially the memories of the abuse that I had filed away. I had to let Him reveal those memories so they could no longer have the power to deceive me. He would reveal and then heal, what a great exchange! We need to allow the Lord to go to those deep, hurting places if we have them. That means He’s going to reveal things that aren’t pleasant to see. It is so important we allow Him to go through this process in us, so that we don’t stay in our place of deception.

And it is important to minister to people’s hearts instead of their identities—understanding their behavior comes from a heart issue. If that heart is confused, we minister to them there, meeting them where they are. We have to step out of our comfort zone to step into their pain! It might take a long time, and it might be messy. Are we willing?

As hard as this was, I invited Him into the pain, and that’s where the healing began. As I’ve said, pain always demands a response, and mine was hidden for too long. He wants to heal us, as the Word says in Isaiah 61:1-3: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor. He has sent me to the broken hearted (this is speaking of the Lord) to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD in the day of vengeance from our God for all who mourn, to console all those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that He may be glorified.”

He was healing my broken heart, giving me freedom from captivity, opening the prison I’d created to wall myself off. He was comforting and consoling me as I mourned through the process. He was giving me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the deep heaviness I was feeling. My roots were going deeper in Him so that I could truly be that tree of righteousness that wouldn’t topple over from the strong winds. In all of this, He was being glorified.

Have you allowed the Lord into your hurting places, or are they still walled off? Has pain caused you to believe lies about yourself? Has someone hurt or lied to you and made you feel “less than”? We all have pain. We cannot escape from it this side of heaven. Allow the Lord into the pain so that He can anoint you with the oil of joy and ease the pain with His presence. Because in His presence is fullness of joy. In the truth is fullness of joy because He is the truth.

Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. Ephesians 1:4-6

The truth is, you’re beautiful, worthy, His beloved, and always in God’s thoughts. The truth is you’re chosen and not rejected, free from condemnation, a new creation in Christ Jesus, and His child if you believe in Him. The truth is that you’re loved, valued, chosen, restored, and washed clean. You’re forgiven, blessed, set free, and complete in Him. You are more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. So, let’s be warrior women in Christ Jesus and get to work exposing lies.

But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:27

Patti’s journey from the deception and darkness into Truth and God’s glorious light is summed up in the Charity Gayle song, “Thank You Jesus for the Blood.”

I was a wretch, I remember who I was 
I was lost, I was blind, I was running out of time. 
Sin separated, the breach was far too wide 
But from the far side of the chasm, You had me in Your sight 

Patti encouraged, “When I was on the far side of the chasm, the thought that God would be looking at me when I was living the way I was living and doing the things I was doing, and yet, still from the far side of the chasm, He called, Honey, I see you. Wherever you are, He sees you. He sees you.” 

But it’s in these lyrics that Patti’s soul magnifies her Savior: 

So You made a way, across the great divide 
Left behind, Heaven's throne, to build it here inside 
There at the cross You paid the debt I owed 
Broke my chains, Freed my soul and for the first time I had Hope 

Thank You Jesus, for the blood applied 
Thank You Jesus, it has washed me white 
Thank You Jesus, You have saved my life  
Brought me from the darkness into glorious light 

Follow Patti’s testimony:
Part 1: Patti traces the roots of her gender confusion
Part 2: Patti describes how while immersed in a lesbian relationship, two difficult circumstances drew her to God and His glorious light.

Learn more about Out of Egypt Ministries at outofegyptministries.org

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