Searching for Identity in the Wrong Armor
Photos courtesy of Patti Height
Patti Height, founder of Out of Egypt Ministries, was delivered out of a life of abuse, gender confusion, and addiction. In Part 2 of this 3-part series, Patti describes how while immersed in a lesbian relationship, two difficult circumstances drew her to God and His glorious light.
Handling [my sexual confusion] in my own strength, I tried to conform to what I thought culture, family, and society wanted of me back then. So, at 19 years old I married a man, thinking it would take away my same-sex attraction and my gender confusion because I did not want it. It was such a burden! I would have done anything to make it go away.
Patti “came out” after her divorce from an abusive spouse, leaving her free to put on her own armor—a masculine identity of protection. She would find God’s protective armor eventually, as the Holy Spirit drew her closer to the Truth she was truly seeking.
I met this man, the first guy who actually paid attention to me because I made sure men didn’t pay attention to me; he somehow broke through. I was a 19-year-old, same-sex attracted, gender-confused, drug-addicted alcoholic. He was a 27-year-old ex-con, just released from prison with no job, living with his grandmother. I thought, I’ll take what I can get if it just helps! I didn’t know what to do.
But that didn’t help because shortly after getting married he began to physically abuse me. I’m thinking, You know what, that’s it. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse. All men are bad, and I want nothing to do with them except making myself one. I gave this whole “being straight” thing a shot. I failed miserably at it. I’m done. I filed for a divorce, which was scary, and I “came out.”
When I came out, it was the first time I started truly identifying in the masculine and taking on a gay identity; I felt release. I felt relief. Now I could present myself in the way I felt but also present myself in a way that would make men who might hurt me stay at an arm’s length. I was identifying in the masculine and, in a sense, creating my own armor—a false armor. I didn't know about the armor of God in Ephesians Chapter 6. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. … having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always … in the Spirit. Ephesians 6:11-18a
God transformed Patti for His glory. Proclaiming freedom to those held captive to the lie of same-sex attraction and gender confusion, Patti shares her story through her speaking platform, Out of Egypt Ministries.
No one told me that I could have on the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the belt of truth (which would have been nice), the shoes of peace, and the sword of the Spirit for an offensive and defensive weapon. And even the prayers of the saints to cover me so that, from head to toe and front to back, I could be covered in Jesus. But I didn’t know Jesus. So, I created my own armor. I started feeling freedom for the first time in my life because I was free to identify as whatever I wanted—free to present myself as, to date [women], and to be in a relationship with whomever I wanted. Instead of me pushing all this stuff down, now it was all coming up, and I felt like I was free. But please hear me: Just because I felt free doesn’t mean I was free. My feelings and the circumstances were deceiving me. I had a false sense of freedom because I was carrying about a false identity—one I created myself to keep me safe and comforted both physically and sexually.
I didn’t know that I could find that in Jesus, and I had no Christians to ask because the only Christians I’d experienced were the ones at gay pride parades holding up signs that said: “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”; “Homosexuals will burn in hell”; “God hates fags.” Then I would see this occasional one, “Leviticus 18:22”. I kind of knew that it was a Bible verse, but I had no idea what it meant. So obviously, I wanted nothing to do with their God if they said He hates me.
I wasn’t an atheist, so I made up my own god: “God is mother nature. I’m god. Aliens are god. Maybe it’s reincarnation.” I just kept getting higher. I was seeking God the only way I knew how. Even though it was all these false gods, the true and living God knew deep in my heart it was truly Him I was seeking. After two very difficult circumstances in my life, it brought me to a place of brokenness that I cried out to Him.
One was after 9/11. I was a flight attendant for a major airline on September 11, 2001—I tell you it was scary—I didn't know if I had any friends working those flights. I lived in New Jersey at the time with my [partner] girlfriend in my house that was about 17 miles as the crow flies from the towers. My girlfriend at the time was also a flight attendant for the same airline, and we both happened to be off. We watched the buildings burn and collapse from our attic and then on TV. For months we smelled this odor of death. And we had to get back on an airplane and work those flights. It was really hard.
Shortly after that, my only brother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I would go and visit him when I could; one of those times he told me about his neighbor Bruce Nordwall. Bruce would share the Gospel with my brother, and shortly after his diagnosis he became a believer.
Patti saw her first glimmer of God’s transformational power in her brother, Larry, who became a believer just before he died from lung cancer. “My brother died right in front of me, and I knew that he was going to this heaven that he was talking about—and if I were to die right then, I would not,” Patti admitted.
I tell you, my brother changed! He was just like me in the way that he partied and spoke in a very vulgar tone, but now, none of that. While I saw the cancer killing his body, I saw him come to life; I’m like, What is this? He tried to explain it to me the best he could as a brand-new believer, but within a few months, as I was holding his hand in a hospital, I watched him take his last breath. My brother died right in front of me, and I knew that he was going to this heaven that he was talking about—and if I were to die right then, I would not. I didn’t know what to do with all that. So I stored all of that in my heart until it was just bursting forth in me.
One major question kept rolling around in my head that I wanted to talk to my [partner] girlfriend about because she was the only one I really trusted. But I was afraid to talk to her about it because if I asked her this question, it might hurt or ruin our relationship, and I didn’t want to do that. But as God would have it, I woke up one morning, rolled over, and looked at her and said, “Babe, do you ever think the way we’re living is wrong?” Her eyes got huge, so I’m thinking, Golly, that was a mistake. She said, “I can’t believe you just asked me that! I was literally just getting ready to ask you the same thing.” Tell me that wasn’t the Holy Spirit meeting us right where we were, in the midst of our sin! There's no place you can flee from His presence, and there's no place He won’t come and make His presence known to you. He’s such a good God!
I said, “My brother talked about two things: praying and the Bible. Let’s do it.” We got down on our knees in our bedroom and said, “God, if You’re real, will You show us? And if the way we’re living is wrong, show us.” I’m like, “I think we should get a Bible.” We walked right into the attic and found a Bible from when she had once gone to confirmation or catechism. We brought it downstairs; all the gold was still on the edges, and we didn’t really know what to do with it, so we started flipping through the pages. I’m like, “This is ridiculous. Let’s just read here.”
That spot happened to be Leviticus 18:22: “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination.” That’s who our God is! There are 31,102 verses in the Bible, and only five that specifically talk about homosexual sexual behavior. The presence of the Holy Spirit remained and continued to lead us in truth! He was right there with us and never left! How good is our God?!
When they opened the old Bible, stored away in the attic for years, to Leviticus 18:22, Patti and her [partner] girlfriend were stunned—they had just prayed and asked God to show them if their gay lifestyle was wrong. “We knew we had to find a church,” said Patti.
We were stunned. We knew something had happened, but we didn't know what. After about a week, I thought, “Well, that’s talking about guys. We’re girls.” But deep in my heart, we were searching. My girlfriend went to work and asked a Christian lady there if the Bible said anything about women being together. She said, “You and Patti need to read Romans 1.”
So we did. At first it was talking about people worshiping the creature, the creation, instead of the Creator. Then we got to verses 26-27 and read this: “For this reason, God gave them up to vile passions, for even their women exchange the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise, also the men leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men, committing what is shameful and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.” It was right there in black and white. So we knew we had to find a church.
Look for Part 3 soon, as Patti shares how she came to CC Old Bridge, NJ, was discipled, and went on to start a ministry.
Read Part 1 of Patti’s testimony tracing the roots of her gender confusion.
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