Storms Will Come: A Pastor’s Journey Through Grief

Pastor Gary Malkus and his wife Danielle enjoy a family photo in November 2022, while she was in her initial round of chemotherapy for a rare bone marrow cancer. Gary is the pastor of Calvary Chapel Apple Valley, CA. “Jesus is above our trials, tribulations, heartaches, and yes, above even death. Run to Him in your time of need. He will never let you down,” Gary emphasized.

Gary Malkus is the senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Apple Valley (CCAV), CA. He has served in pastoral ministry for 34 years, 16 of them at CCAV. His wife of 45 years, Danielle, went to Heaven on March 22, 2023. As he has walked through this season of grief, God has given him the grace to share his story with others who are facing storms in this life, as well as with pastors and military chaplains in Africa through mission work with Far Reaching Ministries. This testimony comes from a transcript of a message taught to pastors and chaplains.

The past eight months for our family have confirmed many things we knew about the Lord from His Word. Things I can honestly say we knew to be true; yet now, experientially, we know them to be true on a different level. The truth is that this life is unpredictable in so many ways because we live in a fallen and broken world.

I can remember sitting by Danielle’s bed in the hospital. She was very sick. I was reading Scriptures to her—ones I had taught for many years. I was now seeing them so differently. It was not that I had taught them wrong in the past, but that I now had a clearer understanding of how the Lord is above our circumstances and even our personal crises. I realized that as a pastor and leader, living in God’s will for my life, I could still face incredible storms.

I remember turning to Acts 27 and reading a familiar story about the apostle Paul, who was a great man of faith. He had surrendered his entire life and will to the Lord to do the work of the ministry. God in turn used Paul in mighty ways throughout the known world at that time. So, we can say without pause that Paul was a strong man of faith, walking in the will of God for his life. Yet, here in Acts 27, falsely accused, Paul is on a prisoner’s ship heading for Rome. You could even draw the conclusion that it was not fair for Paul to be arrested.

Immediately, sitting in that hospital room, I understood that even when we are exactly in the middle of God’s will, doing what God wants us to do, we can encounter hardship in life. Know this: Life can turn this direction for us as well.

We love to dwell in the richness and goodness of God’s blessings. Of course, we want to stay in these moments and rest in His goodness. But the truth is that we can be right in the midst of God’s will, doing exactly what He wants us to do and can still encounter hardship or tribulation.

Early in 2022, Danielle and I were watching God pour out blessings on our church. Exciting things were happening throughout the church; many new families were coming to worship and study His Word. People’s lives were being touched by God through the ministry at CCAV. We had been praying for years for this kind of impact in our community—and it was starting to happen right before our eyes. We were praising God for pouring out His Spirit on our church and using it so powerfully. Oh, how we want to dwell in that place!

At the same time, Danielle wasn’t feeling well. This went on for a few months before having the meeting with the doctor and hearing the word cancer dropped into our family. Danielle was diagnosed with rare bone marrow cancer, Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS). Cancer is a horrible word to hear from your doctor. Yet, we were both faithful believers who knew the truth of Who holds our life in the grip of His hand. We resolved that day to trust God to direct our steps and lay out the path to contend with this cancer.

We were on our ship headed for Rome, so to speak. We knew we were still in God’s will for our lives, but now on a ship heading a direction we didn’t choose. Cancer would not have been our choice, but we trusted that the Lord had put us on this pathway and would continue to show us His faithfulness.

Imagine that—cancer and still at peace with God in the troubled waters of chemotherapy. It was truly supernatural; I can’t explain the peace we had at that time. It was not because we are good, but that God is good and was faithful each step of the way.

Well, the apostle Paul perceived more rough waters ahead in their journey and warned the ship’s captain. He did not believe Paul and set out to sea once again. Again, Paul is still in the will of God for his life, and this is what happened next:

But not long after, a tempestuous head wind arose, called Euroclydon. So when the ship was caught, and could not head into the wind, we let her drive. … And because we were exceedingly tempest-tossed, the next day they lightened the ship. … Now when neither sun nor stars appeared for many days, and no small tempest beat on us, all hope that we would be saved was finally given up. Acts 27:14-20

This shows us that Paul is still traveling along on a path he would not have chosen for himself while trusting the Lord. This confirms he is a man of faith and that he is not being punished for sin. He is still in the will of God, walking in faith—and seemingly out of nowhere comes this mighty storm, a Euroclydon.

As the storm rages, the ship is coming apart. It is so intense they can’t even pull the ship together with their strongest cables. Nothing humanly can be done. Paul describes this as a dark time, with no sun or stars, a storm so intense that it displaced all hope. They were surrounded by darkness.

Our pathway turned toward a stem cell transplant. This is a brutal procedure, but the only known cure for Danielle’s type of cancer. She was accepted into the transplant program at City of Hope Hospital. City of Hope does 700 stem cell transplants each year and told us of a 90% success rate with the transplant and recovery from cancer.

We were still experiencing God’s presence and peace in these rough waters, believing God was leading us to this transplant procedure. Danielle had a 100% matched donor; the procedure took place March 5, 2023. We were scheduled to be at the hospital for four weeks as she waited for the new stem cells to generate new healthy bone marrow and cancer-free blood cells.

We believed that we were in the will of God, still trusting Him in faith, when—seemingly out of nowhere—our family’s Euroclydon hit full force. Danielle’s throat closed up for an undetermined reason, and she could no longer breathe. She was immediately taken in for emergency surgery for a tracheostomy and was put on a ventilator. Darkness closed in all around us on every side.

I read in Acts 27 that God sent an angel with a word from God to Paul. Paul was able to trust the words and promises of God, even while the boat was coming apart at the seams and the storm was raging around him. He heard God’s word to him, and the darkness turned back to hope. God was above Paul’s circumstances; He was above this mighty storm raging around the apostle.

I can remember sitting by her bed and wrestling with the darkness, every day, for the next 11 days. Each day brought a more hopeless word from the doctors. Danielle had developed two different fungal infections and a bacterial infection in her lungs, and her lung capacity was vanishing.

Danielle Malkus, still hopeful for a healing, texts on her cell phone two days before her stem-cell transplant, known to have a high success rate. Following the procedure, however, Danielle grew increasingly ill as she developed two different fungal infections and a bacterial infection in her lungs, causing her lung capacity to vanish. She died on March 22.

At this time the choice was mine. I could trust that God is above the storm and is still good or give in to the darkness closing in all around me. I was so thankful that there were people literally around the world praying for my wife and our family. I knew we were not alone.

I knew the Word of God was going to be my hope in darkness. I remember telling this to my son, a pastor at Calvary Chapel Victorville, CA, who has been teaching the Bible for about 15 years. I told him that one thing I learned in this storm is that what I have been teaching for the past 34 years of ministry is true and what he is teaching his church is true. God’s Word will sustain us in any circumstance we face in this life—even when the Euroclydon seems unbearable.

I was living in the hospital most of the time we were there but had my RV trailer parked onsite to sleep when possible. The morning Danielle went to Heaven, the Lord woke me up even earlier than normal. He impressed the words of Job 1:17 upon my heart: The LORD gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

I would like to tell you I was really brave, but in truth, my heart sank at that moment. I was a broken man and wept bitterly. Yet, I determined, if this was, in fact, a word from the Lord and my wife was going to Heaven that day, as for me and my family we would choose to bless the name of the Lord.

Danielle lived her life for Jesus. She had touched so many lives in His name and for His kingdom. When Danielle Malkus took her last breath on earth she was face to face with her Savior. Jesus is even above death.

For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21

A picture of a smiling Danielle greeted friends and family who attended her memorial service. On the second Sunday after her death, Gary returned to his church to grieve with his congregation; ultimately, that decision would encourage one family in his flock as they experienced a devastating family death.

I am sharing this difficult story because I believe that God, who is above our story, can encourage you in the trials and tribulations that will come in your future. Trials, tribulations, and even death will come. We still have an enemy that hates that we are in the ministry and that our ministry is changing people's lives. We still live in a world that is unfair; because of sin, diseases and disasters will continue to impact families around the world.

Life’s Euroclydons come in many different shapes and sizes. When they hit, sometimes it seems as though you are surrounded in darkness and that you are coming apart at the seams. Let God’s Word keep you from falling apart.

Hear these words today: God is above your storm. He is above your storm even if it doesn’t end the way you have planned. Hold on to Him and don’t let go; He will continue to give you strength and purpose to stay the course and finish the race, bringing Him glory and honor.

Remember that people are watching your life. They are watching to see if what you share with them from the Bible is true in your own life.

I chose to go back to church to teach the second Sunday after Danielle’s death and grieve with our church family. But I am no hero—it was difficult. I truly believe it was God-directed that my grief be shared with those in our church who loved Danielle.

About three months after Danielle went to Heaven, a family in our church had their own Euroclydon hit. Their adult son committed suicide in their home, bringing an unbelievable wave of grief for them to navigate.

This was a week before our annual Vacation Bible School (VBS). The mother of this family was scheduled and had rehearsed to be one of the main characters in the entire week-long program. She approached me after a Sunday morning service in tears, sharing her grief.

I told her that everyone would understand if she bowed out of VBS. She looked at me through her tears and said that she was going to go through with her role that next week. She said her decision was made after watching me go up to the pulpit week after week in God’s strength to teach the Bible to our church. She knew the same God was going to carry her through teaching the children. And God did faithfully show up during VBS as this mom was used powerfully in the lives of these children.

As a pastor, you have a ministry of presence in the lives of the people God has entrusted you to lead. They are watching to see how you apply the Bible to your own life. His Word is true—we can stand upon it in our darkest hour. He will always be faithful to His Word.

Jesus is above our trials, tribulations, heartaches, and yes, above even death. Run to Him in your time of need. He will never let you down.

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